Mother's Day Letter

Dear Mom,

Mother’s Day this year was different from all the previous ones I shared with you, Mom.  We always had the big family celebration with a house full of your children, grand-children and in later years, great-grand children.  This year, I visited you alone at the Special Care Home. While I was there, you asked me who my mother is. For the first time since you and I set out on this journey into the unknown world of Alzheimer’s Disease, that question suddenly made everything real. There is no going back, no second chance to repair our relationship, no opportunity to ask questions I should have asked years ago. It has taken that away from you and I, just as it is slowly but surely taking you, our mother, away from me and my siblings. This disease is always the victor and we will never win the battle we are engaged in.

I am constantly amazed at the puzzle that has become your memory, and at the holes and gaps that are now a part of your life, at what you remember and what you don’t remember. Yet, in some ways, as you retreat deeper into your dementia, I am learning new things about you and who you were.

When I was growing up, I thought of Dad as the “head of the household”, the strong one. I never really saw you as his “equal partner”. I didn’t think he valued your opinion or even considered it, yet you were always very concerned about his. After we moved you into the care home, I found a stack of letters Dad had written to you when you and he were courting. I read with amazement how much he cherished you, respected your thoughts, and how he wrote to tell you how important you were to him. As I read the letters, I found that he actually saw you as an equal partner. I had never seen that and it made me start to see you in a new light.

As a child, I loved to look at the stack of pictures of you that Grandma had in her attic. In many of the pictures, you are arm-in-arm with different men. I never asked you who they were or what they meant to you. Were you in love with any other of them, with all of them? Where were the pictures taken? Why were there so many pictures? Now I can’t ask you. I tried, but that day you didn’t know who the people in the pictures were, including yourself. Should I ask again on a “better” day  - will there ever be “better” days? Or should I just let it go?

I always thought that someday you and I would understand why we had such a strained relationship. I always knew you loved me unconditionaly, but I also knew – even as a child – that you didn’t like me very much. We never talked about it, it was just there – that invisible wall between us. You were different with the other kids, so I never understood.   Realize now that we will never have the discussion about it or try to understand what it was between us that made our relationship so difficult. In a way, that will be our legacy, you and I, Mom: our uneasy relationship.

One last thing, Mom. I always thought you were weak because you always “gave in” . You allowed yourself to be hurt rather than have harsh words with anyone. When we hurt your feelings, you suffered in silence. You never stood up for yourself and you were always the one doing everything for everyone. I saw that as great weakness. It has taken me a lifetime to realize that was not your weakness but your strength. To internalize pain and keep peace, to be the angel of mercy with unending patience and even to be willing to appear weak are the characteristics of an incredibly strong person. I know that now. 

So, your eyes dull, your mind not comprehending much, you asked me who my mother is. You are,  Mom  - in ways I never thought possible.

Making the best of Mother’s Day, no matter what . . . it’s a good thing.

Having Fun Because It's Important

Dr. E. Christine Moll is a professor of counseling and human services at Canisius College in Buffalo, New York.  More importantly, she is a leisure expert and has released a study which proves it is “extremely” important to have fun!  Baby boomers especially are known for leading an “all-work and no-play” life style, and Dr. Moll says that everyone, including baby boomers, have to take some time off for leisure.  According to her, nothing is more important for our well-being, our health and our minds.  She says fun and leisure is just as important as keeping proper cholesterol levels and getting exercise.  When was the last time you did something just for fun?  Dr. Moll’s definition of leisure is anything that brings you personal joy and allows you to “refresh” your batteries.  She says “For our physical, mental, spiritual and cognitive health, leisure is a necessity, not a luxury. It airs out your brain and renews your spirit”.

            Moll’s study shows that people who take time to include leisure activities in their lives have fewer issues with stress and have a better outlook on life in every way: physically, emotionally, mentally and socially.  During down-time, we give our bodies and minds a break.  Physical reactions to relaxation include endorphins being released, and heart rate and blood pressure changing.  As Dr. Moll tells her students, “We can’t give what we don’t have.”  We can’t give to our loved ones, to our friends or to our colleagues unless we first take time for ourselves.  If you experience difficulty finding time for leisure, schedule it into your calendar.  That is how important it is!  How do you know if leisure is lacking in your life (besides the tell-tale signs of tense muscles and nagging headaches)?  Ask yourself these questions:

-        Is your daily routine boring?  Has everything become too routine?

-        Do you have to stop to think about what you like to do for fun?

-        Do you remember when you last took time for yourself? 

Having fun and relaxation can be anything from reading a book, going for a walk or enjoying time with your family.  It can involve sports, as long as the ultimate goal is not to win but playing for fun.  In choosing your activity, consider the following “leisure check list”: 

-        YOU choose your activity, no one else can decide what you should do for fun

-        Your choice must something you enjoy and can commit to

-        It must capture your interest

-        It enables you to “escape” from daily issues and enjoy yourself

So, go ahead and have fun, you will be healthier for it.  Having fun because it is extremely important. . . it's a good thing!

Take Me Out To The Ball Game

                                                                                                
Do you remember the movie “A League of Their Own” starring Rosie O’Donnell, Madonna and Gena Davis? The movie was based on the true story of an American women’s professional ball league organized because major league baseball was postponed during World War II. The league was started by Chicago Cubs owner P.K. Wrigley.  I did not know that one of those players was a young woman from Regina.  Her name was Mary Baker, although she was more widely known as Bonnie Baker.  She was internationally renowned as an outstanding catcher, batter and base runner. She was also known for her beauty, having been a model prior to playing ball, and the media at that time often referred to her as “Pretty Bonnie Baker”.   Being beautiful didn’t stop her from being a great ball player – in 1946 she stole 94 bases and batted .286.  Although all the characters in  “A League of Their Own” were fictional, it is believed that Gena Davis’ character was based on Baker’s life.

Baker played in the league for nine seasons, taking one year off to have her only child. In 1950 she was traded to the Kalamazoo Lassies and became the first-ever player/manager. She was the only player to ever hold that position. After the 1950 season, the league passed a rule outlawing female managers.  In 1954, Baker returned to Regina and led Regina’s softball team to provincial, Western Canadian and World Ladies Softball championships. Baker broke into another male dominated career when she became the first female sports broadcaster in Canada in 1964.

I really didn’t know much about Mary Baker until I accidently came across her name on a web site about Saskatchewan women.  Thankfully someone has decided it is important that we remember Saskatchewan women who were not afraid to live their dreams and who made a difference.   I googled her name and found a clip of Baker’s appearance on the television program “What’s My Line” from the early 1950’s.  It’s an interesting clip in that it is obvious that no one quite knew how to interact with such a successful woman.  The bridge between dependent woman and independent career woman had not yet been crossed by many in the 1950’s. 

Baker did receive a great deal of recognition over the years. She was inducted into the Saskatchewan Baseball Hall of Fame, the Canadian Baseball Hall of Fame and the American Baseball Hall of Fame.

Mary “Bonnie” Baker died in 2003. At her funeral, her career was celebrated and acknowledged by mourners who sang “Take Me Out to the Ball Game”.   Learning about and celebrating the lives of woman who paved the way for the rest of us . . .  it's a good thing!

Best Fashion Show Ever

A very unique event once again took place this year in our city. Wesmor Community High School hosted its second annual fashion show last week. While fashion shows are not unique, this one is part of a wonderful program started by two teachers three years ago as a way to help their graduating students enjoy their special day.

Many of the girls who graduate from Wesmor Community High School cannot afford to buy new dresses for their graduation.  The two Wesmor teachers decided that the graduates should enjoy their day. The students have worked hard to achieve this milestone, many having to deal with other issues at home and in the community.  These wonderful educators decided the graduating girls should not have to worry about money to buy a graduation dress. They knew that for some of their students, there simply was no money for dresses and those students would likely miss their graduation day.  Well, that was not going to be the case any longer in this community school.

The teachers began a dress-sharing program, not sure how it would be received by those they were asking for donations from or by the girls themselves.  The call was put out for gently-used dresses.   The response was nothing short of incredible.  Used dresses were donated by people throughout the city. Local dress shops donated new dresses. The used dresses were cleaned by local drycleaners at no cost.  The community came together and many people went out of their way to ensure that graduates would have a day to remember. 

The graduates can purchase the dresses for $25. The program now has many dresses for students to access. This wonderful arrangement allows students to become excited about graduating and helps them strive to work hard at school. They can look forward to their graduation without worrying about finances.

Last year, a fashion show was organized, with Wesmor students serving as models.  The show was a huge hit and so it was held again this year.

Last week, the soon-to-be graduates took part in a fashion show in which they showed off the beautiful dresses in the dress-sharing program. Two young men escorted the models and were given the suits they modeled for their graduation day.

The students glowed with pride as they modeled the dresses. Each model was beautiful and their pride and confidence was very evident.  What a wonderful program these dedicated and creative teachers have come up with! The graduates can truly enjoy their day and their beautiful dresses, knowing they can afford to have the perfect graduation day every young woman dreams of.

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It is amazing what people can do when they decide to help one another.  I love that this story happened right here in our city and that two people came up with an idea that is making life a little better for so many young people.  In order for this plan to become a reality, many people had to participate and be willing to give – but it started with only two people and a little idea they had.  It is easy to be overwhelmed by the things that are out of our control and the issues they cause, however this proves once again that we can find unique solutions to everyday problems by working together and sometimes, by leading the way in trying something new.  We don’t have to change the world, but we can make our part of the world better.

Well done, Wesmor Community High School.  Seeing a need and making a plan . . . it's a good thing!

Easter Memories

I hope you are having a wonderful Easter week-end and enjoying time with family and friends. I always enjoy the opportunity to get together with loved ones for special occasions.
When my boys were little, our tradition was to decorate Easter eggs on Good Friday. Every year, cousins and friends would gather at our house, we would mix different colours of dye in many cups and everyone could decorate as many eggs as they wanted. It seemed that each year, something new was available for sale to create even better and brighter eggs: shrink wraps, hot colours, sparkles, special crayons – the list was never ending. Many tiny hands created wonderful master pieces which were proudly used for decorations throughout the house when we gathered for our Easter dinner. As I look back through photo albums, I have pictures of so many relatives and friends who took part in our Easter egg decorating day over the years. The eggs never went to waste. After Easter, the eggs were pickled and a week or so later, the adults (mostly the male adults) would enjoy pickled eggs.
One of my favorite Easter memories is of the year my husband’s sister and brother-in-law were at our house with their two children. Their son was around six years old and was starting to question the existence of Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny. We tried to convince him there was indeed an Easter Bunny, but he went to bed still wondering – although he did leave his Easter basket out, just in case. We lived in the country at the time and that spring there were a lot of rabbits going through our yard. On Easter morning, he awoke to find his basket filled. Shortly after breakfast, his uncle took him out for a walk and, sure enough, they found rabbit tracks! He ran into the house and excitedly took his Mom that there was truly an Easter bunny because he had just seen his tracks! It would be a couple more years before he figured out the truth, but it gave him two more Easters to enjoy the magic of the Easter bunny.
Easter at our house was a little like Christmas. The Easter baskets were filled with a few candies and chocolates, but the majority of the treats were toys and, later on, video games and movies. The boys would wake up in the morning excited to see what treasures awaited them once they found their basket.
Of course, the highlight of Easter has always been our family gathering on Easter Sunday. When I was younger, it was at my grand-parents, then at Mom and Dad’s and now we have our own Easter meal with our children. The generations come and go, things change, life goes on, but the one constant is the joy of getting together as a family to celebrate special occasions.
Enjoying special times with special people . . . it’s a good thing!

Winning Women

Last night, on International Women’s Day, the Prince Albert Council of Women hosted its annual Hall of Fame Induction Ceremony.  As it is every year, the event was successful and celebrated the success and spirit of women in our community.  The successful inductee is nominated by the public and then selected by the Council’s executive.  After the induction ceremony, a portrait of the inductee is presented to the mayor and it is then placed on the Woman’s Hall of Fame wall on the second floor at City Hall.

In previous years, one woman has been honoured.  This year, the national theme for International Women’s Day is “Connecting Girls, Inspiring Futures”.  As such, the Council decided to honour a young woman in addition to the usual inductee.  The Council also made the decision to honour a posthumous nominee, having received a nomination for a recently deceased woman who had done so much for Prince Albert.  So it was that Christine Taylor was inducted as the Adult Mentor/Community Volunteer, Melissa Menzies as the Youth Role Model/Community and School Volunteer and Marge Nainaar, the Memorial Award.  The Council could not have chosen a more deserving or finer trio to honour.

Christine Taylor has long been involved in our community, especially with the Girl Guide Movement.  In fact, several of her girl guides were present to watch Christine being presented with this award.

I have known Melissa Menzies and her family for many years.  Melissa is a truly amazing young woman.  She is beautiful not only on the outside, but on the inside as well.  She is a kind and caring person who gives of herself at every opportunity.  She volunteers at the hospital, where she is a favorite among the seniors she visits.  She took part in the Miss Saskatchewan Teen pageant last summer and went on to compete in Toronto, representing Miss Teen Central Saskatchewan.  She volunteers at many events in our community.  Melissa is a wonderful role model and one that we can proud of to have represent our city. She was the perfect choice to be the face of this year’s theme. 

Anyone who has lived in Prince Albert will have known Marge Nainaar.  She came to Canada and fell in love with our country and later, with our city.  She was the driving force behind the Prince Albert Multicultural Council.  Many people in our city, especially newcomers to Canada, benefitted from her help, advice and friendship.  Not many events took place here where Marge wasn’t in some way involved.  I hope Marge was watching last Thursday and saw her family and friends acknowledge her work and dedication.  

Honouring local women each year on International Women’s Day is a good tradition started by the Council of Women.  Look around your work place, service club or other places where people volunteer.  Is there a woman you think deserves special recognition?  Does someone you know go above and beyond the call of duty?  Remember to nominate her,  Honouring special women in our community . . . it's a good thing!

Life's Circle

Last week, my family encountered the highs and lows of life’s circle as we experienced the sadness of death and the joy of birth. One day we honoured and remembered the life of my husband’s brother-in-law; two days later we welcomed a new baby boy as my niece delivered the newest member of our family. It is bittersweet how one life ended as another began. It brought an awareness that no matter what happens, life goes on, events overlap and the world is continuously unfolding. Somehow it seemed right that one life replaced the other, and that a life well-lived to the fullest was interchanged with a new life about to start on its journey. The heartache of the funeral blended almost seamlessly into the thrill of a new life. It is surreal that two people so important in our lives missed sharing this world by two days.
Standing by the coffin to say our final good-byes to someone who has been a part of my life for almost as long as I have known my husband, I thought about the life he had led. The hours spent at the hospital by his family spoke to the love his wife, children, grandchildren and extended family had for him. They ensured the memorial service was exactly how he would have wanted it. As I watched the slideshow presentation made up of pictures his relatives had gathered together, it was obvious that he had lived a full life and enjoyed being with his family – his children, his grand-children, his brothers and sisters and his in-laws. And in the end, it was that love which he took with him and which he left behind at the same time.
Mere days after purchasing flowers for the funeral, I was buying clothes and other items for our new baby. As this precious bundle was showered with presents to welcome him, I realized that the best gift we give him is the love of his family to give him the strength and confidence he will need as he grows up and takes his place in the world. Our love is unconditional and will, hopefully, set the pattern for his life. I trust that each step he takes in life’s voyage will be softened and made easier by the devotion and love of those around him. In the beginning and at the end of life, love is the one thing we have and can hold on to. It is also the one thing we leave behind which everyone can share.
As I learned this week, it is not quite true that we enter this world with nothing and we leave it with nothing. If we are very fortunate, we have the love of family and friends and we feel cherished from the time we are born until the day we die.

Loving and being loved . . . it's a good thing!