Red Door Perfume

Recently, in a local grocery store, a lady walked passed me and I caught a whiff of the fragrance she was wearing.  It was Elizabeth Arden’s Red Door perfume.  I know that scent so well, as my Mom wore it for the last few years of her life.  Immediately, a flood of memories came back to me, all of them linked to that distinct fragrance.

When Mom first discovered Red Door perfume, she loved its smell and wore it all the time. She realized how strong the scent was and so she always carefully put only a few small dabs on herself.  She always had a gentle smell of Red Door floating around her.  As the years went by, I (and no doubt, many other people) noticed that she was layering the perfume on a little thicker and I tried to explain to her that she had to be careful so that the smell was not too strong.  She always countered by saying that they just were not making Red Door like they used to, and she had to use more of it in order for the scent to be noticeable. 

As a result, she began to go through many bottles of the fragrance.  Whereas a bottle had in the past lasted for a year or more, it was now only lasting a few months.  It seemed to me that “Red Door perfume” was always on Mom’s shopping list.  

I came to identify the scent of Red Door with everything that was my Mom.  When she gave me a hug, I could smell it on myself for a long time after.  Many times when going to her apartment, as I stepped off the elevator, I would catch that scent and I would know that Mom had been in the hallway in the not so-distant past.  Her bedroom always had a trace of Elizabeth Arden’s Red Door perfume in the air.

It was only when I actually stayed by her side when she was purchasing the perfume that I realized what was going on and why Mom’s favorite perfume had a weaker smell to her: Mom was losing her sense of smell.  That realization dawned on me as I watched a very patient clerk at one of our local pharmacies go through sample after sample of Red Door Perfume: eau de toilette, spray, non-spray, perfume, lotion.  Each time Mom would shake her head and say that it just didn’t have a scent.  She lamented to the young clerk that she used to love the scent of that perfume and she wondered why they had changed it, why it was now such a weak scent.  Finally Mom decided that the perfume bottle which she usually bought would be the one she would purchase because “at least, that one still has a bit of a scent”.   So, we would return to her apartment, her prize in her hand – the red bottle with the gold coloured lid.

I explained to Mom that day that the reason her favorite perfume had lost its fragrance was not because of anything Elizabeth Arden had done, but rather because Mom’s sense of smell was not quite as keen as it used to be. She just rolled her eyes when she thought I wasn’t looking and said that she was not, in fact, losing her sense of smell and that all she had to do was put a thick layer of perfume on and she would smell it,  and that was because they had changed the way they made her perfume. 

When Alzheimer’s disease took away Mom’s independence, she finished her last bottle of perfume in her new home.  By then, her disease had progressed to the point where she no longer remembered to buy a new bottle and soon after that she forgot all about her signature perfume. 

I know that most public places ask that perfume not be worn, but I’m glad that lady wore Red Door perfume to the grocery store that day.  It brought Mom back to me, even if for just a few seconds.  A special scent which brings back special memories . . . it’s a good thing!

The Ten Things Happy Couples Do

I recently wrote about things that happy people do often.  The other day I read an announcement, inviting people to celebrate the 65^th wedding anniversary of a local couple.  That got me thinking about why some marriages success (such as that couple’s marriage of 65 years) and why other marriages fail.  What is it that successful couples do to stay together for many years?  When searching for an answer, I came across a blog post by Dr. Dana Fillmore called “10 Things Happy Couples Do”.  As I read through her list of common-sense, easy to do suggestions, I realized I wanted to share this advice, so here it is:  the ten things happy couples do.

1). Let Love Build

Don’t expect your relationship to retain the fiery intensity of a new romance.  Happy couples know and understand that love evolves and becomes calmer and deeper.  Dr. Fillmore explains that allowing love to change gives it the opportunity to grow.

2). Play Nice

Happy couples are kind to each other – no matter what.  They compliment each other and offer kind words of support and encouragement.  No doubt, they will still have arguments and there is always the chance that hurtful things will be said.  But, if you are kind to each the majority of the time, you will create a feeling of trust, safety and love.

 

3). Chat to each other before falling asleep – every night

Dr. Fillmore has found that taking a few minutes every night to just chat to each other in a quiet, uninterrupted setting before going to sleep, is something that most happy couples do.  Spend a few minutes each night talking about your day, making plans and discussing problems.

 4). Double Date

This one took me by surprise, but Dr. Fillmore states that while dinners for two are “cozy”,  dinners for four are just as important to your relationship.  Research apparently shows that bonding with other couples actually strengthens your own relationship.  Being close to other couples will make you feel closer to each other!

5).  Face your Differences

How you handle your differences can make a huge difference in how happy you are in your marriage.  Happy couples talk about their differences and find solutions together.  This is not always easy, but it is the best way to have a happy marriage.

 6). Have Deep Conversations – Not Always Small Talk

Not every conversation has to be heavy, but Dr. Fillmore states that the happiest couples have twice as many substantive discussions and fewer superficial ones as the unhappiest couples.  She says that in order to be a happy couple, you need to share your dreams, your fears and talk about the future and about your relationship with each other.

7) Be Equally Committed

In a 2011 study in Psychological Science, their research found that what matters in a relationship is that you devote the same amount of care and effort into it – whether it is a lot or a little.  Your happiness depends on both of you having the same level of commitment to working out problems and not necessarily on how intense that level of commitment is.

 8) Fight Fair

Even the happiest couples have arguments, but they keep conflicts from becoming confrontations by “softening” their approach when dealing with tough issues.  More importantly, each occasionally yields to the other.

 9) Be Positive

Happy couples make five times or more as many positive statements to and about each other than unhappy couples. It may be difficult to think of positive things about each other when you are arguing, but it helps create a bond.

 10) Hang in There

Dr. Fillmore says that 80% of couples who consider themselves to be committed to their marriage have contemplated divorce at some point, but chose to work things out.  Going through a bad spell in your marriage can actually make your relationship stronger and strengthen your love for each other.

Whether you have been married for many years or a few, if you consider yourself to be one of the “happy couples”, how many of these ten points do you practice?  Learning to be a happy couple . . . it’s a good thing!

Mother's Day

I hope that you enjoy Mother’s Day today, whether you are a mother or a child – or both. This is my first Mother’s Day since my Mom passed away. And although the last couple Mother’s Days have been different from previous year as Mom’s Alzheimer’s worsened, at least she was still here physically. I no longer took her out for dinner or had a family BBQ at my house in her honour as we did before she became ill, but I could still visit with her and I still felt that part of her was still here. So this year things were certainly not the same. It is always wonderful to spend time with my sons on this special day but my thoughts floated back to years gone by when Mom was here to celebrate with us. 

It is important to celebrate the love we feel and the bond we have. Every daughter has that special connection with her mother, but for some people, it goes beyond the mother-daughter bond. Sometimes, mothers and daughters are each other's best friends. When you think about it, who could be a more perfect friend than your mother?  She has to love you, no matter what because she is, after all, your mother.  If you enjoy each other’s company, then that’s a bonus.

I enjoy going to events or shopping, and seeing mothers and daughters out having fun together. I think it is wonderful when I hear someone say they call their Mom several times a day, because they have so much to say to each other. Those fortunate women who develop a friendship with their mothers have the best of all worlds - they have a mother with her unconditional love and support, and a friend who is fun to be with and shares the same interests, all in one person. Some relationships remain strictly mother-daughter and that is fine. However, the truly lucky daughters are the one who have the good fortune of being best friends with their mom.

Many sons are also best friends with their mothers.  They feel secure in sharing thoughts and feelings and asking questions, knowing without a doubt that all will be kept confidential.  That’s just what mothers do.  And sometimes Moms can even help to explain to their sons that complicated female who seems to be such a mystery to so many men. 

 
No one knows us as well as our mothers.  They know our fears, our hopes, our strengths and weaknesses.  They have watched us develop into the adults we are today.  In fact, they have greatly influenced who we have developed into. 

 It seems that life gets so busy for parents and children, we sometimes forget to just enjoy each other’s company.  That’s why I think it is so important to slow down and enjoy Mother’s Day.

This is a day for putting everything else on hold and for cherishing that special bond between mothers and children.  I hope you have the opportunity to do so today.  Cherishing the special moments while we can . . . it’s a good thing. 

Seven Thngs Happy People Do Often

 

Happiness: everyone is in pursuit of it, yet it is the one thing that eludes so many. There is good news and bad news on the search for happiness. According to an article written by Jeff Haden, fifty percent of your level of happiness, or your ”happiness set-point” as he calls it, is largely hereditary and is therefore out of your control. However, the good news is that fifty percent is within your control and there are things you can to make yourself happier. In fact, Haden lists seven things in particular you can do to improve your level of happiness.

1.     Make good friends.

 A lot of people concentrate on making friends at work and that makes sense. These are people you see every day, you have your workplace and careers in common and you can help one another accomplish your goals. However, you also need to make real friends, away from your work place. In fact, studies have shown that the more friends you have, the happier you are.

2.     Actively express thankfulness

Study after study has shown that being grateful and expressing gratitude contribute to happiness. This expression of gratitude can be done anywhere and everywhere: at your place of employment, in your relationships at home, and with your friends. Another way to express thankfulness, and reap the happiness benefits of doing so, is to simply write down a few things you are grateful for each evening. Being aware of the things you are grateful for increases your level of happiness.

 3.     Actively pursue your goals.

In his book “100 Simple Secrets of the Best Half of Life”, David Niven says that people who could identify a goal they were pursuing were more likely to feel satisfied with their lives and more likely to feel positive about themselves. So, be grateful for what you already have, but try to achieve more. As you edge closer to your goal, compare where you are now with where you were a few days ago, and be grateful for the advancement.

 

4.     Do what you excel at and do it often

It only makes sense that the more you enjoy what you are doing, the happier you will be. Shawn Anchor, in his book “The Happiness Advantage”, says that when volunteers did something they were very good at and did it every day for a week, they became happier. Of course, we can’t all do the things we love to do all the time and ignore the rest.  We can, however, change things so we do less of what we don’t like and more of what we do like. Find ways to do things you love more often and you will be happier.

5.     Give

I know I’ve written about this before, but giving is one of the best ways to find happiness and contentment for yourself. Giving is more beneficial for the person who is giving than for the person who is receiving. This act is something you control and because of that, it is one way in which you can control – and increase - your level of happiness.

 

6.     Don’t chase possessions, chase experiences

 

Possessions are only “things” and only provide bursts of happiness which do not last for long. You will be much happier chasing experiences instead such new locations to visit, new concerts to listen to, or meeting new people. Those experiences will bring you joy every time you think about them and will never become “old” such as a house or a car or even clothes will.

 

7.     Live the life you want to live

 

People who work in palliative care often say that the most common regret expressed by patients is that they did not have the courage to live the life they wanted. Instead, they lived the life people expected of them. So, as much as possible, live the life you want and live it your way. Making choices that are right for you will make you happier.

 

Doing these seven things won’t make all your problems go away nor will they create only sunny skies in your world.  They will however increase your level of happiness.  So give them a try and see what happens. Doing what you can to be the happiest you can be . . . it's a good thing!

The Best Gift You Can Give Yourself

“No one has ever become poor by giving.” This quote from Anne Frank reminds us that giving to others is really a gift to ourselves. It’s important to remember this, not only at the giving times of year such as Christmas or birthdays, but throughout the year. It’s also important to give to people you may not even know, not only to family and friends. Giving to people, especially to people you don’t know, makes one feel good. Saskatoon’s own Betty-Ann Heggie, a member of Canada’s Top 100 Most Powerful Women Hall of Fame, says that giving gifts to worthy causes and people, “make me feel good because I am doing good”.

Now there is scientific proof that generosity will not only make you happier, but is actually good for your health.  According to a study conducted by social psychologist Liz Dunn, not being generous and being ashamed of it, is linked with higher levels of the stress hormone cortisol.  Through her studies she found that when people chose to keep their money rather than share it, they felt shame which led to high cortisol levels, which in turn has been linked to illness.

Even better, researchers at the University of Buffalo found that giving and being unselfish seemed to lead to a lower risk of early death.  One of the researchers, Michael Poulin, PhD said “Our conclusion is that helping others reduced mortality specifically by buffering the association between stress and mortality”. 

In their book “Why Good Things Happen To Good People”, Jill Neimark and Dr. Stephen Post, claim that giving protects your physical and mental well-being. They wrote this book because they believe that giving is a good for you! Post and Neimark claim that giving protects your physical and mental well-being. Their theory is that while you can’t change the things that happen to you or the unkindness of others, you can create your own happiness and take care of your health through acts of generosity. What a concept!

How interesting there is now a science of love and giving. In their book, Neimark and Post offer real-life stories to show how giving leads to health, happiness and a longer life. The incredible research includes a fifty-year study which shows that people who were generous and giving during their high school years have better physical and mental health throughout their entire lives. As with the University of Buffalo’s findings, the Neimark and Post studies show that people who give live longer than those who don’t. Neimark and Post interviewed dozens of people who had suffered unimaginable fates including paraplegics, Holocaust survivors, and people who had had horrific childhoods. Those survivors who found a way to help others overcame their hardships, and lived happier, more fulfilling lives than survivors who were not as generous.

We can make our own happiness and the best way to do so is by being generous to others.  It is now a researched fact that giving to others, even if life has dealt you a difficult blow, will make you happier and healthier.  Generosity is truly the best gift you can give to yourself. Being kind to others and being kind to yourself . . . it's a good thing!

 

A Little Mystery

 

When I was growing up on our family farm, one of our neighbors, Ronny, was a bachelor who lived by himself in the house that had once belonged to his parents.  By the time I was about half-way through elementary school, he met and married a widow with two children, and went on to have two more children of his own.

Ronny was the kind of neighbor you could always depend on to help out, no matter what.  It seemed to me that he was always happy and in a good mood.  There was always a lot of laughter when he was around.  He went out of his way to get along with people and tried to avoid confrontation.  In high school, I spent part of a summer babysitting his step-children and discovered that along with being a good neighbor and friend, Ronny was a good step-dad.  Later on when he had his own children, he took on that role with the same love and gusto that he put into everything he did. 

Years later, when I had children of my own, Ronny was their bus driver and I entrusted my little treasures into his care every morning and every afternoon.  He was always joking with the kids and he greeted his students with good-natured teasing most mornings when they stepped into his bus.  He was always vigilant about bullies and allowed no bullying.  He took the care of his riders very seriously and students knew they were safe riding with him.

Ronny passed away suddenly two weeks ago at the age of seventy-eight.  It seems that over the past couple months, I have written too many columns about good people who have died.  It is true that I have likely been to more funerals this year already than I attended in the entire last year.  However, Ronny’s story is special not only because of his great attitude towards life, but because of a “twist” which was revealed at his funeral.

Ronny started his last day like any other normal day on the farm.  He and his wife went to a business in a neighboring town and as they were walking into the building, he fell and later than night, he passed away.  At 2:45 a.m., to be precise.

Ronny had a pocket watch which had been in his family for a long time.  It had not worked in years, but he apparently loved that watch and kept it in his dresser drawer, neatly polished and always ready to be admired.  When the family was gathering items to take to the funeral home, his daughter-in-law found Ronny’s much-loved pocket watch and took it out of the drawer.  When she opened the watch, she saw in disbelief the time in which the watch had stopped, the time where it had sat in waiting all these many years.  The watch was stopped at 2:45.  The family had it prominently displayed at the funeral.

Sometimes things happen for which there is no explanation.  I think this is one of those occasions.  A man, who loved to laugh and tease, who always put his family first, and who was a great friend and neighbor, has left behind a little mystery for us to ponder and remember him by.  Pondering life's little mysteries . . .  it's a good thing!

Random Acts of Kindness

I love the concept of “random acts of kindness” – doing something for someone you may or may not know and doing so for no other reason than to share an act of kindness.  Random acts of kindness or “raks” as they are known, have become popular over the past few years. Even a small gesture of kindness counts as a rak.  This is a win-win situation, as both the person receiving and the person doing the random act of kindness experience enjoyment and satisfaction.

Here in Prince Albert, I know of a group of high school girls who make it their mission to perform at least one random act of kindness each and every day.  What makes this so unique is that these girls come from less than ideal homes, in fact some of the girls are foster children.  These young women have seen much sorrow and suffered  painful childhoods, yet they do not dwell on their past experiences and instead focus on doing good things for other people.  The girls say that their daily ritual of raks has helped them to heal and to work on recovery and that they feel happier and more content with their lives for doing so. 

I have a friend who decided to perform “racks” or random acts of Christmas kindness this year.  She surprised people who had touched her life or people she thought might need an act of kindness to help them through the Christmas season.  She found that she enjoyed doing her racks as much as her recipients enjoyed receiving them.

I was a rack recipient this Christmas.  I received a card with a very touching message and a Tim Horton’s gift card from an anonymous rack-er.  I suspect it is my friend, mentioned above, but she would neither confirm nor deny when I questioned her.  Regardless of who it was, it was a wonderful gesture and made my day in the middle of Christmas madness. 

Last week, my niece Jeridee told me her own story of a rak in her life.  Her story is a wonderful one and I think it is one of the most touching rak stories I have heard to date.  Her two year old daughter loves to watch the local school bus drive by their acreage and to wave at it as it goes by. Every day Jeridee tries to make sure Maelle is by the living room window around bus time so she can wave at the bus.  At some point, the driver took notice of this practice and began to wave back. Last week, the driver took it one step further. She now slows down a little when she gets to Maelle’s window and everyone on the bus waves to her.  How nice is that!  Such a small gesture, yet it makes one little girl (and her mother and great-aunt) very happy.  No doubt, it also puts the bus driver and the students on the bus in a happy mood.  What an awesome bus driver and what a great lesson she is teaching the students on her bus. This just makes me smile. :)How wonderful for Maelle. 

Random acts of kindness can be the simplest actions, yet they have a huge impact.  So, go ahead and make someone’s day (and your own) by rak-ing them.  You will be amazed at how good you feel about yourself and about those around you. Making the world a happier place, one random act of kindess at a time . . .  it's a good thing!