The Ten Things Happy Couples Do

I recently wrote about things that happy people do often.  The other day I read an announcement, inviting people to celebrate the 65^th wedding anniversary of a local couple.  That got me thinking about why some marriages success (such as that couple’s marriage of 65 years) and why other marriages fail.  What is it that successful couples do to stay together for many years?  When searching for an answer, I came across a blog post by Dr. Dana Fillmore called “10 Things Happy Couples Do”.  As I read through her list of common-sense, easy to do suggestions, I realized I wanted to share this advice, so here it is:  the ten things happy couples do.

1). Let Love Build

Don’t expect your relationship to retain the fiery intensity of a new romance.  Happy couples know and understand that love evolves and becomes calmer and deeper.  Dr. Fillmore explains that allowing love to change gives it the opportunity to grow.

2). Play Nice

Happy couples are kind to each other – no matter what.  They compliment each other and offer kind words of support and encouragement.  No doubt, they will still have arguments and there is always the chance that hurtful things will be said.  But, if you are kind to each the majority of the time, you will create a feeling of trust, safety and love.

 

3). Chat to each other before falling asleep – every night

Dr. Fillmore has found that taking a few minutes every night to just chat to each other in a quiet, uninterrupted setting before going to sleep, is something that most happy couples do.  Spend a few minutes each night talking about your day, making plans and discussing problems.

 4). Double Date

This one took me by surprise, but Dr. Fillmore states that while dinners for two are “cozy”,  dinners for four are just as important to your relationship.  Research apparently shows that bonding with other couples actually strengthens your own relationship.  Being close to other couples will make you feel closer to each other!

5).  Face your Differences

How you handle your differences can make a huge difference in how happy you are in your marriage.  Happy couples talk about their differences and find solutions together.  This is not always easy, but it is the best way to have a happy marriage.

 6). Have Deep Conversations – Not Always Small Talk

Not every conversation has to be heavy, but Dr. Fillmore states that the happiest couples have twice as many substantive discussions and fewer superficial ones as the unhappiest couples.  She says that in order to be a happy couple, you need to share your dreams, your fears and talk about the future and about your relationship with each other.

7) Be Equally Committed

In a 2011 study in Psychological Science, their research found that what matters in a relationship is that you devote the same amount of care and effort into it – whether it is a lot or a little.  Your happiness depends on both of you having the same level of commitment to working out problems and not necessarily on how intense that level of commitment is.

 8) Fight Fair

Even the happiest couples have arguments, but they keep conflicts from becoming confrontations by “softening” their approach when dealing with tough issues.  More importantly, each occasionally yields to the other.

 9) Be Positive

Happy couples make five times or more as many positive statements to and about each other than unhappy couples. It may be difficult to think of positive things about each other when you are arguing, but it helps create a bond.

 10) Hang in There

Dr. Fillmore says that 80% of couples who consider themselves to be committed to their marriage have contemplated divorce at some point, but chose to work things out.  Going through a bad spell in your marriage can actually make your relationship stronger and strengthen your love for each other.

Whether you have been married for many years or a few, if you consider yourself to be one of the “happy couples”, how many of these ten points do you practice?  Learning to be a happy couple . . . it’s a good thing!